SANTA MONICA, California — Activision-Blizzard has announced a new tool for its video games that will allow players to measure their characters’ skulls, according to a new blog post.
“We’re very committed to introducing diversity into our games, and we know that people of all races and ethnicities are special for all sorts of reasons. That’s why we’re excited about our new Skull Gauge feature, which allows players to self-assess each character’s racial-based stats.” “We want players to be able to see themselves in these characters and not just in the same group of boring white people – because as we all know, being white gives them specific abilities and attributes that are biologically inherent in them. Right? Man, it feels so good to be the good guys for once. Activision Blizzard look up!”
According to the company, this is just the first in a series of developments coming to all Activision Blizzard games.
“And we’re 100% sure we know what you’re thinking: this skull measurement tool doesn’t go far enough to add variety to the game. You’re right,” the blog continues. “As such, we’re also excited to announce that we will be adding tools to allow players to assess all kinds of diversity attributes of our players. You’ll be able to push characters to the ground to see how capable they are, you’ll be able to call out a carnival guy to determine the characters’ weight, and you’ll be able to , forcing characters to oddly sit in a chair to determine if they are bisexual. The last time I read about it was on Tumblr. Who knew there were so many cool diversity stats out there?”
At press time, Activision-Blizzard announced that the new tool was being created by a new mustachioed developer named Lobby Brotick.